The things social anxiety deprives you of

As anyone with social anxiety will tell you, we as sufferers deprive ourselves of certain things in life. The first of which being human companionship. We all too often cower away from life and prefer to live with the safety and (relative) peace of mind that come with solitude. This is not a preference for many, and we often crave human company, but the reality is that we are unable to be around others, and solitude is the only reasonable option.

That's what is most painful in my opinion, wanting to be around people whilst at the same time knowing that as soon as you are with company, you're going to be nervously looking for the first opportunity to escape. And then you are going to be burdened with negative thoughts and emotions for the rest of the day, while you sit and curse yourself for leaving; or for saying the wrong thing, or for blushing, or for stumbling and bumbling... I could go on, but my point is that we will find a reason to curse ourselves one way or another.

Anyway, here's a list of things I feel are lost to Social anxiety.

Friends

Staying in contact with people regularly is a nightmare. Usually, it will get to the point that we don't contact people ourselves and instead wait for them to contact us. And even when they do, we often reject offers to go out or meet up. After so long, people tire of having to take the initiative, without any reciprocation, and you slowly stop associating with one another. 

This is a big one for me, I've lost contact with so many good friends over the years that I've lost count. These range from school friends, to drinking buddies, to university friends and god knows what else. All lost because of the mental state social anxiety inspires and enforces upon us. The worst part about this is that I know I've been doing it for years, and I always mean to change my ways. I never do though!

Relationships

There's an old saying comes to mind, "If you don't love yourself, who will?". That get's me thinking... If loving yourself, makes it more likely you'll be loved, then hating yourself makes the opposite more likely. Food for thought...

Anyway, I've personally been single for years, and I suspect many SA sufferers are the same. I've not got much more to add to this point. Well, other than that it's hard enough getting through the day-to-day without the stress of dating and maintaining a relationship. There's also the problem of meeting someone who can accept your ailment. It ain't easy, capt'n!

Career

It's no secret that most SA sufferers work in jobs below their abilities. A lot of jobs nowadays require daily social interactions for hours at a time; whether it be customer service, handling calls, or simply speaking to colleagues. This is a huge problem for SA sufferers, leading to high stress, anxiety and a miserable life. With that in mind, it should come as no surprise that those going through this will seek out jobs that require less interaction, even if that means taking huge pay cuts. 

In fact, I'm speaking from a position of experience here. I recently took a ~40% pay-cut to escape a high stress job where I could barely cope. There's more to life than money - although I know that's easy to say when you're above a certain threshold.

If only we had these machines that could connect to a global network so that we could work from home... maybe in another life, ey?

Fun

We miss out on a lot of fun things in life. How many gigs have you avoided? How many parties have you missed? How many meals with family/friends? How many other occasions will you refuse to attend throughout your life. It's quite sad really, we only get to live once, and we sit here alone in our pits of safety. 

OK, I may have got a bit carried away there... I don't want to make it sound like too much of a Greek tragedy. I do feel we miss out on a lot & we do deprive ourselves of certain facets of life - but it's still possible to enjoy life. I personally get a lot of enjoyment from hobbies that I do alone. Things such as playing the guitar, art and even exercising can be hugely rewarding.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I'm not really sure where all of that came from. I just sat down and started typing without any forethought. Guess something was playing on my mind.  Anyway, my conclusion is this... we are hamstrung by our ailment and it will control certain aspects of our life. It will limit us and hold us back, but it's not the end of the world. We're still breathing, we're still (somewhat) functional and in the grand scheme of things, if we're living in a developed country with fresh drinking water and a food supply, we're probably part of the lucky group.

Until next time!

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Social anxiety - Difficulty understanding and following conversations.

I find that one of the main problems I have with Social anxiety at the moment, is following conversations. Keeping up with what's being said and then being able to contribute. I seem to have moments where I simply cannot digest what is being said and therefore am unable to take part in any meaningful way. I'm not sure if this is my attention span, if I'm simply to anxious to absorb what's being said, or if it's something else entirely.

A recent experience

Today at work, we went for a team lunch. We decided to go to a pub in the town center for a quick drink and some chicken. Strangely, I was actually looking forward to it... even though I had the usual pre social event jitters, worries & doubts. Somehow, to some extent, I'm able to switch my mind off to these worries now, where once they were all consuming.

A quick food picture to lighten up the post (yes, I ate all of that!):

This is partially down to two things, I believe. The first is that whenever I feel myself worrying or obsessing over the event, I make a conscious effort to not think about it. When an anxious thought pops into my mind, I simply halt that thought and think nothing more of it. It may sound like nothing, but it seems to work on some level – after some practice, that is. The second is to imagine myself succeeding, rather than failing. I imagine myself having fun, laughing or whatever I deem as being successful in that particular social environment. I'm not saying this helps when it comes to crunch time, but it certainly helps in the lead up to the event.

Anyway, back to my original point. We were having lunch today, I was fairly comfortable but quiet. I could live with that. After a while though, something changed in my head, like a switch being flicked, and I found myself outside of the conversation.

I was trying to follow the conversation, listening to what was being said. My colleagues might as well have been speaking Swahili though. I understood the words, but could not comprehend what was being said – what point what being made. This made me feel massively uncomfortable and I had to dash off to the toilet to compose myself.

This is not new to me. When it happens I feel as though my head is completely empty, I find myself just staring at people as they talk. Their words don't register and as such I'm unable to find a response. I miss social cues, such as when to laugh, or respond. I fidget around awkwardly. I'm, unable to maintain eye-contact. All the time, I'm aware that this is happening, and try to make a conscious effort to listen, but it's impossible. I've noticed that It get's worse when it's a group conversation, since I feel others are aware that I'm not listening, and are aware that I'm highly uncomfortable and suddenly, in my mind, all eyes are on me.

It's my opinion that this happens due to being either highly anxious, or highly self-conscious. I'm either too anxious to take on any information, or I'm so self-conscious at the time, that my focus is elsewhere, even when I make a conscious effort to listen. Either way it's tough to overcome. The only coping strategy I can think of, is to briefly escape the situation, collect myself and then return in a hopefully, more receptive state.

I've had mixed luck with this, sometimes returning more composed and relaxed, sometimes returning in the exact same state. At least I had a break from the awkwardness though, right!?

If you've experienced anything similar to this, I'd love to hear from you, just leave a comment and I'll be in touch. I'd be particularly interested to hear if you have any coping mechanisms of your own. I'm also particularly interested to hear your thoughts on our ability to listen to what is being said, to follow conversations and how much this contributes to social anxiety.

Anyway, all things said, with the exception of a few minutes, the lunch went well. As I'm writing this, I'm actively resisting the urge to have the bog-standard social-anxiety response of dwelling on the negatives; convincing myself that it was some sort of disaster. I went to a pub, had lunch, had a conversation, got slightly anxious and then returned to work. What;s the big deal?

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Social anxiety and lads holidays.

For someone with social anxiety, going on a lads holiday sounds like a living nightmare. I would know, I've just been on a week long stag-do in Ibiza. If you're interested in how it went, or if you're going on a lads holiday yourself and want to know what to expect, then read on!

I'll start off by saying I had one, and only one coping mechanism for the week. A single strategy to carry me through. Alcohol - lots of it. And to some extent it worked. It's important for me to point out that I don't necessarily recommend this as a strategy to anyone else though. Drinking for long periods of time is heavy on the body (and mind). I still feel ill 4 days later, and will probably still feel ill for another couple of days. Something to consider.

Below you'll find a quick description of the holiday, followed by what I think are the good points and bad points of going on a lads holiday with social anxiety.

The holiday

We left for the airport at 2am and we surely started off as we meant to go on. Drinking. Well all but the driver, of course! Now, for me this part didn't cause too much anxiety, I was with 3 close friends in an enclosed space, but that's something I can deal with these days. Especially when accompanied by my old friend alcohol. The drive lasted 2 hours, and by the time we reached the airport we were well oiled.

The airport was slightly more uncomfortable. Once you check in, there is a normally a period of around 2 hours before you board the plane. We filled the time by sitting in a pub, For me, pubs are an anxious place. People everywhere, lots of eye contact, and of course people overstepping social boundaries. Luckily, as I said earlier I was pretty tipsy by this point, so was feeling pretty comfortable and was enjoying myself.

Anyway, we finally boarded after a few more drinks and after a couple of hours on the plane we landed in Ibiza. At this point I would normally expect to be hugely uncomfortable... an unfamiliar location coupled with not knowing what to expect can be daunting to a SA sufferer. Again alcohol saved the day, I was just happy to have landed and was looking forward to enjoying myself. I don't know what it is about the drink, but it seems to completely(albeit temporarily) cure my social anxiety. 

After a little while we arrived at our hotel. A huge place, full of a wide range of people. Other stags, couples, families and even the odd coffin dodger. We dumped our stuff off at the room and headed down to the pool where we were immediately greeted by a group of hens who we spent the rest of the evening with. It's at this stage i'd normally make my excuses and escape, but again I was completely in my element thanks to the drink. Notice a pattern yet?

That evening was a heavy one, I woke up the next day being able to remember very little. What I did know though was that the affects of the alcohol were dwindling. I remember being distinctly aware of how uncomfortable I am around even close friends when hungover (I can't even manage to get a word out, which in turn increases anxiety), and being stuck in the room with one of those friends, I decided to do something about it. It was 8am, I left the hotel alone, found an open pub and drank until I felt comfortable again. The rest of the holiday went on exactly this way. And believe me, it took it's toll!

Now, I don't advise using alcohol to treat SA, and have discussed this in previous posts. But I certainly understand the lure, and understand why people do it. I know one thing for certain, without alcohol I wouldn't have went on this holiday. I wouldn't have had the time of my life, and on top of that, I'd probably be sitting here now feeling guilty for not attending my friends stag-do. It's a lose-lose situation.

Anyway, if you are considering going on a lads holiday yourself, maybe the positives and negatives below can help you decided whether to go or not.

Bad points

• Travel - being stuck in enclosed places for hours at a time with groups of people is always going to be tough with social anxiety.
• You can't escape - Once you're in a foreign country, it's not easy to escape. Normally you can just make your excuses and leave, but it isn't that simple when away.
• Increased anxiety from alcohol (or drugs) - It's no secret how much alcohol people drink when away, or that drugs are available. Both can lead to increased anxiety.
• Room sharing - It's likely you'll be sharing a room with one or multiple friends. You've got company permanently which can get tiring.

Good points

• It's awesome - Really, if you can find a crutch (alcohol is mine) you may just have the time of your life.
• Bonding - You'll be closer to your friends after sharing this type of experience.
• Alcohol - It's socially acceptable to be drunk at pretty much anytime of day in party locations. If alcohol cures your SA, you can hide behind it.

In conclusion, going on a lads holiday with social anxiety is going to be tough. There's going to be low times, but if you can somehow drag yourself through it, you may just have an awesome time and make some good memories. It's a change from normality, and I believe this to be a good thing, especially for SA sufferers who I believe to live very mundane/repetitive lives (I know I do, normally).

If you're like me, you're going to be alcohol dependent for pretty much the entire holiday and this can take a toll on your body. Drinking for large periods of time is unhealthy and can cause serious (and lasting) damage; it can also lead to bad habits, or lead to dependence when you return home. The way I look at it though, is that if I'm only using it temporarily it's not too much of a problem. And for me, at this stage in my life, the risks are worth the enjoyment and memories.

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Does social anxiety get better or worse with age?

I often find myself asking the question, "Does social anxiety get better or worse with age?", or "does social anxiety go away by itself?" and have yet to come to a solid conclusion. Although my gut feeling is that it gets better as we age. As we get older we care less and less about what people think of us, and this seems to take some of the pressure off us in social situations.

Having said that, I've been struggling in some social situations lately, and have found myself wondering if I'm actually getting worse. For me, it's really hard to say, since during my younger years I dealt with SA by plowing alcohol into my system before, during and after every major social event. In other words, I don't have a lot of comparison points. I guess the positive to this is that I'm now putting myself out there more often than I once did, so perhaps I'm just being negative, when in fact this backs up the idea that we do in fact get over SA as we age (albeit not entirely).

Past experiences!

When I sit and dwell on the past it brings up some uncomfortable memories, some which I'd rather forget. For me though, it's the only way to to answer the question.

Since my anxiety is worst when I'm at work I've been trying to remember some of my most embarrassing situations from my work history. One situation particularly comes to mind... A work colleague was leaving, it was her final day. I was finishing work early that day and by 3pm it was time to say my goodbyes - always going to be awkward. Unfortunately, at the time I worked in a cramped office space and there was around 10-12 people in close vicinity. This was like a nightmare scenario to me at the time, a quiet office with lots of people, a non standard social situation and to top it all off I had been dwelling on it since the start of the day. Anyway, I eventually got the courage together to get off my seat and say my goodbyes.

It didn't go well - at all. I started mumbling, blushing and stumbling on my words. At this point I was freaking out, and noticed everyone had their eyes on me. It was so awkward that the whole office had pretty much stopped what they were doing and were listening in. Eventually I just stopped talking and walked out of the office. Nightmare!

Needless, to say I got in that night, went straight to bed and lay there with the quilt over my head. I can almost remember the way I felt that night, and it was pretty bad. Shame, dread, self-disgust. And the worst part was I knew I had to go back into the office the next day and face everyone.

When I compare that experience to how I feel and act at work now - in a similar situation - there is a stark difference. One which I hadn't really acknowledged until I made a conscious decision to sit and make this comparison. I'm still a bit awkward for sure, but not on the same level, and I'm no where near as hard on myself. I'm definitely making progress, and perhaps this is due to aging. Who knows.

One thing I do know though, and I'll make this brief. Alcohol doesn't help with social anxiety. It masks your symptoms for sure. But the charade can only go on for so long, eventually hangovers get too much, or you end up in situations where alcohol is not appropriate.

If you're using alcohol as a crutch right now, my advice is try to stop as soon as possible. You'll end up in more awkward situations, yes, but perhaps you'll eventually learn from them. With alcohol, you certainly will not. I'm basing all of this on anecdotal evidence of course, so take from it what you will.

Thanks for reading.

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Coffee and Social anxiety - A mix from hell... or is it?

Coffee and Social anxiety don't mix - at all (At least in my experience anyway). For a coffee lover, this is the mother of all problems... and trust me I am a coffee lover. Luckily, I'm also a programmer, so my natural instinct when encountering a problem is to solve it. One way or another.

One thing I've learned over the years though, is that when it comes to SA, problems are rarely solved easily... but it's still worth a  shot, right? Of course it is, were talking about coffee here.

Solitude (a familiar old friend.)

The most obvious (and shitty) solution is to drink coffee when we're alone, and only when we're alone. Not ideal, but at least we can still enjoy a hot brew. I guess for some this works, but I want the benefits of caffiene when I'm working - that additional focus is a godsend for us office workers! Well it is until the buzz runs out, and the anxiety kicks in anyway.

Decaf

Another solution is to drink decaf. One problem with this approach, its decaffinated (not to mention the taste). Nothing more to say!

L-theanine

If you've not heard of L-Theanine, it's an amino-acid known to be found in green tea. L-theanine is thought to have anxiolotic properties, and when used with coffee is believed to reduce the anxiety that often accompanies the caffeine buzz. In fact, it's actually thought to synergise with caffiene, producing an enhanced affect.

Now, as a social anxiety sufferer, I rarely need an excuse to take an anxiolotic in the first place. If it's going to make caffiene better, aswell as reducing the associated anxiety, you better believe I'm on board!

My Experiences

I recently bought 100g of L-Theanine and I'm currently experimenting with it. I'm easing myself in slowly, but so far the results seem good.

As mentioned earlier, when I drink coffee I suffer from additional anxiety. I also crash pretty hard and feel jittery for a little while afterwards. What I've noticed for sure at this point is that I no longer feel jittery after the caffeine buzz runs out when using L-Theanine.

I've been putting around 200mg into each cup I drink, just so you're aware. This appears to be the recommended amount.

Ok - so the jitters are gone. But what about social anxiety? Well, as I said I am easing myself in slowly. Thus far I've drank a coffee before walking into town. This is something that only causes mild anxiety for me normally so I thought it would be a good place to start. After a coffee I'd normally expect to feel more on edge, but with L-theanine, I did not. It's anecdotal at best, but it appears to me that L-Theanine does help.

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to experiment further - I guess the moment of truth will be drinking coffee at work... the place of no  escape! I'll be sure to add further updates when I've experiemented further.

Where to get it

If you're tempted to try L-theanine, be careful where you get it from. It's worth having a search around to find trustworthy sources - try getting other peoples opinions from social websites, such as reddit. I was able to find what seems to be a good product doing just that.

I'll not post a link... I don't want to look like a L-theanine salesman here! Having said that, if you want to  drop me a message, I'm more than happy to share it with you.

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